Life is fearless

My dad is in the Navy. So since I was a little girl, I've been moving frequently. I was born in Norfolk, VA in 1996. 6 months later I moved to Chicago. I know I lived in Garland for a while. When I was four I moved to San Diego, CA. When I was 8 i moved to Temecula, CA. I was 11 when I moved to Richardson, TX. I was 14 when i moved to Chula Vista, CA and I was still 14 when i moved to Lufkin. Every time I moved I would get profoundly sad. Some would say that I exaggerate too much. Although I'm not proud to admit it, I would scream and yell at my parents for making me move. I would do what ever I could to make me stay. But it's because I knew what moving meant. It meant that I would lose my friends and leave the life I established there behind. People will forget about me and soon it would be like I never lived there. I would become another forgotten face. In 2011 I was literally having the worst time of my life. I was a mess. Richardson was where I was happy and I finally had friends that loved me as much as I loved them  (Or so I thought) . I had to leave all of that behind to start a new life once again. I felt like I could never fill that void that Richardson left me. So when I moved to Chula Vista I didn't even attempt to make friends. I was only going to be there 3 months anyways. I counted the days until I would leave and never look back. I thought to myself "I will be gone soon anyways".  I desired to go back to Texas so badly that I never took in the full beauty of California.  I didn't go hiking often. I didn't run. I didn't care about anything. I would just have to start over again. There was no point in anything anymore. When I moved to Lufkin, that attitude didn't go away. I decided to not make friends because I would only get attached. Once I get attached I'm basically screwed. I would have to once again leave friends behind. Nothing in High School matters anyways. I would leave it behind like everything else. One day it will be long behind me. So here I am my 2nd year going on 3rd year in Lufkin, my junior year in high school. Then I realized a few days ago that I've been longing so badly for graduation that I didn't really enjoy high school. In 9th grade I was a mess with bad grades but after that I picked up the pieces of what I use to be. I don't have any good memories of high school at all. I don't have many friends and all I do is stay at home. I'm not in any sports. The only accomplishments I have about being in High School is being in the top 20 percent. That's pathetic. I didn't take in all the laughs and tears that go with high school. I went to high school but I didn't live through it. I let my depression consume me alive and take all the light out of me. All because I had this fear of losing people. The fear of losing people caused me to have no one to lose. I didn't have to suffer but I also didn't have happiness. I didn't strive to do anything because I didn't want to do anything. Now I have nothing to do. I'm not writing this to get sympathy. I don't need that. I just came to a realization that I am sharing with everybody. I'm preventing my own suffering but I was also not really living. By living in the past and the future I didn't live in the present. I cannot do that anymore....Now on a broader scale. I use to think "All this is only temporary. One day none of this will matter anyways." I would wait for the next big thing in my life which at this point is still graduation. However if I applied that way of thinking to my whole life, why would anything matter? Oblivion is inevitable. One day the sun will eat earth. One day everything will all be dust. According to religious beliefs there is life after death. So then why does this life matter? I don't have the answers to that. But even if none of this matters, I just want to know that I was the happiest I could be. That even if life didn't love me, I loved life. I will not let fear dominate my life because then I wouldn't have a life. Without change there would be nothing. Absolutely nothing. I would be playing my life on repeat until the end of time. I won't let people tell me what it is I need to do to be happy because, it's my life. Everyone's definition of happiness is different and, I know what makes me happy. All of my life I've let people tell me what to do. They told me it was a guarantee to happiness. I had the fear that if I did anything different I would be miserable. But now I know happiness isn't guaranteed to anyone. Sadness is never fun but without the beauty behind sadness I would have never known happiness. Nothing exists in itself (Moby Dick d:)  From now on I won't let fear control me. Life is fearless, so I will be too.