Yesterday

Yesterday, my perspective on life changed. I don't really want to talk about what it was that happened but, it made me profoundly sad. I know that even the best of people make mistakes but, all those mistakes still hurt. They leave a scar that will always be there. Just because people don't talk about it doesn't mean it's not there. There's always that reminder of the past. For some reason people believe that I am strong enough to just let it go, forgive, and forget. Usually I do forgive but I can't forget. When people hurt me I do try to let it go. I keep my mind busy but it's those moments when I'm alone that the memories come rushing back. Lately I've been alone a lot. Maybe that's why I have insomnia at night. I don't know.  When I'm at my lowest, sometimes I want to do really stupid things. Really stupid things. Extremely reckless things. But I don't ever do it. I don't do these things more for myself than anything because I know that I don't deserve it. I can't just throw away my life like that. That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt (yes there's john green again). Although pain demands to be felt, I can't let it control me. There's a lot more to life than sadness. There's also happiness. My life has been a mess but it's also a beautiful mess. I wouldn't change my life for anything. Moments like these remind me that I am only human. My life is not perfect. I don't want it to be perfect either.  Life goes on and I will be happy.