Black

2016

I have never been diagnosed with depression. I just know that it's what I had and maybe what I'll always have. I don't recall the exact moment it all started. It was a complete transformation, almost overnight. Everything became black. I remember feeling so alone. Feeling so weak. I didn't think that I was capable of doing anything at all. I thought that I didn't deserve anything, I thought that nothing would come out of my life. I thought that I would never be enough. Most of all I remember all of the crying that I had done when I was by myself and feeling so hopeless to change anything. I hated myself. I wanted all of the pain to go away. I tried so hard to make it go away. Everyone tried to fix me but they couldn't. The worst part was that I didn't know where all of this darkness stemmed from. How could I fix something I didn't understand?

That's when I set up my first personal goal. I was going to get good grades in 6th grade. While I was still deeply sad, I found so much comfort focusing on something. Then I started doodling more in my free time, so I decided I would just doodle more often. I always thought I was really good at drawing compared to others so I doodled more than I ever did before. At first these goals were just things I set up for myself so that I could distract myself. I was never that serious about school or drawing. Suddenly it became all my life was about. Every time I felt like the world was ending, I'd cry and then I would start drawing myself crying, or something crying, or a even a fucking butterfly.

2011

I may not be talented in a lot of things, maybe not even art. Art just means something to me and that's why it is special. Art is the way I see the world. No one will ever be able to see the world the way I see it so I understand now that no one will ever be able to understand me. That is okay. I can express how I feel in art. I can put myself in art. No one knew that butterfly was the only positive thing I had on my life at that time. That butterfly is just a butterfly to everyone else but not to me. That is why I dare to call myself an artist because, I can feel. I feel everything so deeply and all at once.

Then there was running. I joined track and cross country because my sister and my boyfriend at the time inspired me to start running more seriously. Then I would listen to the Beatles the whole time I was running. The trees in Lufkin would illuminate the air and it would smell so nice. Thinking about it makes me want to cry because it made me so happy. It was such a beautiful experience. Even when my body was physically drained, I would keep going. I would keep running even though my body told me to stop. I trained my mind to believe that I could overcome myself and that was the biggest accomplishment of it all.

I found a lot of things to be happy for but they all stemmed from my sadness. I wouldn't be who I am if it wasn't for me being so sad. I feel both of them at the same time so often and so profoundly and maybe no one will ever understand that and I learned to be okay with that. I wouldn't be challenging myself as much as I am if I didn't have a reason to distract myself. Which is perfectly fine because I already overcame myself. I overcame the biggest obstacle of my life I'm sure so I know I am capable of doing anything. I can do anything even when I am sad.


So yes I am messed up. I think that even to this day I am messed up. I feel too much. It's so overwhelming. I know how to be happy when I am sad but that doesn't make being sad any easier. There are small things that could trigger me and suddenly it's black again. It's not something I could really escape because it is me. All the thoughts of all those who ever hurt me and left me. All the times I've been told that I wasn't enough. All the times I think I'm not enough. I know all those thoughts are not true but that doesn't stop me from believing them. There are a lot of reasons that could cause me to yell and curse at the universe. There are so many reasons I could be so angry with all of it. Even worse it can be so lonely when you are the only one pushing yourself forward. The world in general is very messed up and I am not going to live my life pretending that it's not. Nothing is ever fair. but life keeps going and I will not let my sadness stop me. So while there are a million reasons for my life to stay black, I take back my life and make it my own. I love life with an undying passion and I accept it the way it is. I accept my life with all the sadness and happiness alike. My life is beautiful because I created it all on my own.