Dear 2011 Vanessa,

     I often think about you. I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Especially now that I haven't been doing good at all. I think of all the pain you had felt. I think about all the dreams you had and all the expectations you had for yourself. I think about how you lost all of it and everyone still expected you to be okay with everything. I worked hard for years to try to make up for all of it. I worked hard for the person I would be today. I didn't want to disappoint you more than anyone else. I didn't want to disappoint you.
      I know you had suffered a lot. You suffered because you wanted to make everyone else happy. You wanted to make everyone else proud. You worried too much about the future. You worried about not being enough. You took all honors classes. You made all the best grades. You did all the right things. You did volleyball and cross country. You always went above and beyond for everything. You never settled for anything less than perfect. You never did anything wrong. After all you had to be the example for your brother and sister. You were the reflection of your parents. You represented your family. It didn't matter how sad you felt you couldn't show it. Nobody was allowed to know how bad everything was. You had to be perfect. You couldn't mess up. Looking back I even feel now that you were too scared to feel sad because even being sad was seen as a bad thing. You couldn't be sad. You had to be happy for everyone else.
      2011 Vanessa, I know I had long since buried you. All the pain you had felt matters but it is no longer manifested in my heart. But you are still there screaming in my brain and I want you to go away. I know I have failed you time after time. I failed you when I decided that being a lawyer would be too boring. I failed you when I didn't make the top 7 percent of my class. I failed you when I didn't make honors. I failed you when I didn't graduate distinguished either. I failed you when I didn't even apply to UT Austin because I knew I would get rejected. I failed you when I dyed my hair. I failed you when I cut my long hair. I failed you when I fell in love. I failed you when I decided to stay in love with someone who didn't love you. I failed you when I wasn't the best in any of my classes anymore. I failed you when I started drinking. I failed you when I broke this year.
      I tried so hard to make you happy and I know that I am only disappointing you over and over. I've been disappointing you for years. but how could I make someone who isn't happy, happy? See you weren't happy. You only wanted to make others happy but it wasn't ever you who was happy. I mean I am proud of you for being so resilient and strong. You had relentless energy and it did lead you somewhere beautiful. Even though I failed you, I found so many other beautiful things that you wouldn't have if it wasn't for all these failures. I found architecture. I found writing. I found good people. You were never meant to fit this mold others have set up for you. You are suppose to make yourself happy too. You weren't made to only please others. I want you to leave me alone so that I could truly be happy. I want to set you free. I want to have peace. I want to be happy with who I am but you aren't letting me. I look back at the mirror and see all my failures but I know that I must be beautiful even if you don't think so.
   I learned a lot these past few years and I learned that my accomplishments do not define who I am. Rather it should be a reflection of how happy I am. I am in love with what I do but that does not mean that it is all I am. I am much more than my grades. I am much more than what people think of me. I am not the things I own or don't own. I am not the amount of income I have or will have.
    I am Vanessa. I am strong. I am resilient. I am beautiful. I am smart because I want to be. I love reading. I love doing art. I love chocolate. I love car rides. I love hiking. I love traveling. I love listening to music. I love writing. Above all, I am a human being and I want to be happy. I will not let  you take that away from me.


Vanessa