Nariz

When I was about 5 years old, I remember we picked up my cousin, Adrian, from Texas. My family took him to live with us for a year while his family made plans for their move and then settled in. I think Adrian was about 14 years old. Since we would take him with us to our home in San Diego, that meant we would go on our long road trip going through Texas, New Mexico, and Arizona before we made it to California. Little did i know that this road trip was the one that I would take often throughout my adolescence.

I looked up to Adrian in adoration because, he was like the older brother I never had. He was the oldest out of all of my cousins and he was coming to live with me!!!  As the trip progressed I kept clinging more and more to him. During one point in our trip while I was talking to Adrian, I asked him with my young beaming eyes about all the places we would go to. He said, in Spanish, "We already passed Texas so now we still have to pass New Mexico and Arizona. Then we'll be in California."

I looked at him in confusion. Arizona? I had never heard of that word before in my life. Keep in mind I was 5 so I didn't know about states yet.

"Arizona como nariz? me estas llamando narizona??" 

"Arizona like nose? are you calling me big nosed?"

He started laughing so hard and then he pinched my nose and said "Si Vanessa, te estoy llamando narizona."

"Yes Vanessa, I am calling you big nosed."

This memory would stay with me as one of my favorites with Adrian. 

I honestly have never really thought about my nose. I didn't even really pay attention to any of my physical attributes. Maybe I did sense sometimes that I was different compared to everyone else. I grew up in Southern California and often times I would stay in navy bases. There was a lot of diversity in navy bases schools compared to public schools. However, looking back I always reached out to become friends with other girls who had brown hair and brown skin like me... but the majority was blonde hair, blue eyes. 

Later as I grew older, around the time I was 9, the way I looked was getting way out of hand. My mom would scold me often about how I never matched. I never brushed my hair. I just wasn't acting like a "girl". It seemed like every day was an opportunity for my mom to tell my how to behave and act. It must've been a lot of hard work for my mom because it just looked like it wasn't in my nature. I wasn't girly like Jenny but I also wasn't tom boyish. I was just weird. I didn't even know how to walk properly..

One day my cousin, Diane,who was around the same age as me, came to visit me from Las Vegas. I saw her as she looked in adoration in the mirror of my room. I jokingly asked her "You must think you're so beautiful, huh?" Then she smiled back at me with bright eyes and replied "Yes, I do." I thought that was so weird. Every time I thought about her staring at herself in the mirror i just thought she was crazy. I think I must've told my mom about it and my mom must've told me maybe that would help me get my act together since i was a mess. 

Then a few days after Diane left, I, myself looked in the mirror too. I mean really LOOKED in the mirror. I looked at the gray hairs in my eyebrows, the rash on my upper lip, and my messy hair. All the usual but for some reason all my flaws weighed even heavier. I kept looking on as I looked at my crooked teeth and... my nose. "Wow has my nose always looked like that?" I just kept staring at my nose in horror. Then I ran down stairs and told my parents " I HAVE A BIG NOSE."

My parents just looked at me in shock. Then they started laughing.

"Are you barely realizing?"

"What do you mean am I barely realizing?"

"You have always had the same nose."

"It's okay mija I have the same nose."

I remember feeling so upset that day and as time went on I kept comparing my nose to other girls. There was a time in 6th grade that I remember covering my face with my hair. I mean I covered my face for the pimples on my face but also my nose. One time I even overheard girls in my school talking about how I had a big nose... mind you I also wasn't the only girl with a big nose...

Then I came across eyeliner. I thought "Well my eyes are big too.. Maybe if i use eyeliner it would force people to focus on my eyes instead of my nose."

So all throughout middle school and through most of high school, you wouldn't catch me without eyeliner. I always wore black so that I could disappear from people's sights. I felt like I was hiding all of the time. 

Then one day i stopped caring. I don't know when exactly this happened but it did. I started wearing flowery shirts because i love flowers. I stopped wearing as much makeup because it was too much work. I stopped covering my face with my hair because I hated how it felt. I stopped straightening and dying my hair because I wanted my hair healthy. I started doing everything so that I looked the way my body wanted me to look. I didn't even care how I looked anymore...I cared more about school and about doing what felt right. I would run after school. I would do art. I did things that made me feel happy and it didn't involve pointing out my flaws. 

I don't resent my nose anymore. I got my nose from my dad.. and he got it from his dad. I have my nose because this is my history. My nose and my face, is what makes me, me. I look like the people I love. I look like my family. My family comes from Celaya, Guanajuato, Mexico and I am proud. I am proud of the family I come from. I am proud being who I am. I am proud because I come from a place of love, passion, determination, and dreams. The people we are never depended on the way we looked but the way we chased life. The way I chase after my own life is what makes me, me, and I am happy the way I am. Our bodies only mobilize us so that we could do everything we want to do. It isn't there to stop us. Our bodies are suppose to push us forward. My nose in particular helps me breathe so that I could get oxygen into my body. My nose helps me keep a relationship with this earth.. just like the rest of my body. I was made this way so that I could keep being here. My body is my own and it is here.

So if you ask me if I think I am beautiful like I one day asked Diane.. I would say "Yes, I do." 

I am Narizona,.

I am Mexicana. 

and I am still beautiful the way I am.