Father's Day

On August 3, 2016 I was in Mexico and I had already been there a few days. My mom tried to convince me to get my wisdom teeth pulled out since we were there.. See the cost of doing a medical procedure like that are much cheaper in Mexico than in the United States, they are just as well too. Well I threw a tantrum, I was almost 20, and I said "No, I will not get my wisdom teeth pulled out!!!" Any time anyone mentioned anything about wisdom teeth I would immediately get upset and argue "I'm only in Mexico for 2 weeks, I will not spend half that time in bed rest." We went to Tamayo, which was only 15 minutes away from Juan Martin. My mom and Pedro went to go make an appointment for Jenny to get her wisdom teeth pulled out and then they asked me again if I was sure I didn't want to get my wisdom teeth pulled out. I looked at them coldly and I said "Yes". I then proceeded to stay distant from them and I stayed angry. Later in the night we went driving around Tamayo trying to look for food. I succeeded in staying angry that day so whenever they asked me for suggestions I wouldn't say anything. Then they finally found a place that was open. It was beautiful. The cement walls were painted a warm blue. The floor was tile. The ladies were wearing long skirts with their hair pulled back. They asked what we wanted and then they proceeded to make us enchiladas. David began gobbling down on the tacos he was given. Everyone was happy eating their food. I was in awe of everything then. I was so overwhelmed with all the negative feelings I had felt that whole day and the love I had for my sweet Mexico.

"I miss my dad" I thought as I started crying.

After a while my mom noticed me crying and she asked over and over why I was crying. I didn't want anyone to notice so once she made it obvious to everyone I became more visually upset. Then she told me "You don't have to get your wisdom teeth pulled out if you don't want to."

I didn't say anything but I was annoyed. I was so annoyed that my mom would really think that I would throw a tantrum the whole day over just wisdom teeth. I just kept crying more and more.

That day was my dad's birthday. I was in Mexico and he was in Japan.

I never talked about it with my mom.

This is the life I live now. One in which I am good for a certain amount of time if I keep busy. It could be very long productive periods. Then if I remember my dad, I get down for periods of time. I feel so many negative feelings that I suck everyone around me into my hole with me and they don't know why. This doesn't happen very often. It doesn't happen every time I think of him, only if I actually let myself feel everything. Days like Father's day only bring me more down. While I want to celebrate with my dad, and he is alive, he is not here with me. I am left with a gashing wound that I can't help but feel. I want to be happy and I do find optimism in the life I live. I just have to forget the pain I feel. I have to forget what I lack and move on with what I do have. So sometimes I do forget I have a dad. It sounds bad to say that and I love my dad more than anything. I just have to keep going with my life and not spend it being sad. Days like today I can't forget I have a dad.

As soon as I came home today, I told David. You know what today is? He just kept ignoring me. Then I eagerly yelled back at him "IT'S FATHER'S DAY!!" You know what that means? Again he kept ignoring me. So I asked him do you know who your father is? Again he ignored me so I tried again in Spanish and he understood this time. "Oh es el dia de Papi.." Then he continued playing on his iPad. So I told my brother to give Mommy a hug and tell her "Happy Father's Day". He immediately ran to my mom and told her "Happy Father's Day!!" He had a light in his eyes that showed how much he loved my mom. It does hurt me to know that all the beautiful memories that I shared with my dad won't be shared with my brother. I was the one who got my dad the most out of all four of us.

I went upstairs and I looked through the pictures I usually avoid looking at. The ones of me growing up. The memories overflow me and I lay in the living room crying again.

"I miss my papi."

So today is another day I miss the dad I use to have. The one I still have who is out there in Japan. While I may not show it all the time, I am very grateful for the dad I have. My dad is a very beautiful person. He is the one who inspired me to be who I want to be. When I was growing up, he would play with me and Jenny. All 3 of us would run around the house screaming. He loves when I scratch his head. He loved when I massage him. My dad loves cooking so much and that's why hes a Chief!! He would make food randomly and not write down recipes so he wouldn't know how to make it again!! He traveled all over the world because of his job. When I was little he would show all the pictures of all the places he would go to. It was through this that he explained to me how big the world really is and there are always so many places to go see. He talked to me about people that he met from all over the world. I wasn't the only one who loved my dad. My dad is loved by everyone. He would win everyone over with his charismatic magnetic pull. He knew how to draw everyone in. He also taught me how to pray. He would teach me about history. No one else in my family liked History as much as my dad and I. So we would talk about history for hours. I would study all I can so that I can keep up with my dad's intellect. Everything about my dad fascinated me and I worked so hard to keep up with him. My dad was my hero. My best friend. It makes it that much harder to be away from him. It makes missing him difficult.

That is the way things must be. I feel the love I have for my dad so much that it overwhelms me. I miss him a lot. I cry a lot. I laugh too. I remember everything.

"Let it be"

Happy Father's day.