Hole
I am not one to talk about how I feel about certain things because, I don't like to expose myself. I won't lie that I am hurt. I am very hurt. However, I always push myself to do things. I don't let myself stay in one place for too long because, I don't want to let myself think sad thoughts. I keep myself so busy that I forget that I am hurt. Sometimes, I can't forget and I do let myself fall.
I have heard people tell me before that they are surprised when they hear about how sad I can be because they are so use to seeing me happy. Well I don't want anyone to think that I am pretending to be happy. I really am happy and I'm not just putting up a face. I try to find happiness where ever I go and I usually find it. I embrace my life and everyone in it and I appreciate everything about it. I love my life. But, I do have a hole in my heart. I live with it everyday.
My life is moving so fast and I keep myself so busy that I don't allow myself to fall down. I don't have the time to do so. I don't let my thoughts linger and I am okay. It's like I haven't been hurt at all. Then some days it randomly hits me. Yesterday was one of those days. I came home and went to my bed. I wasn't even tired anymore but, there I was. I couldn't even get out of my bed. The longer I was alone, I became more and more sad. So when my mom asked us if we wanted to go out to eat with her, I obviously said yes. I couldn't stand to be by myself any longer. I thought I would be fine but, I wasn't. While we were outside of the restaurant waiting to be seated, I was crying to myself. I couldn't escape it.
I distract myself so much that I don't allow myself to sit down and think. So when I have so much free time it is overwhelming. Whenever anything sad happens to me, I don't even think about it anymore. I dress up and I leave the house. I study a lot and draw. I do anything. Anything to get away from me. So when those days hit me, it's bad. They've actually been more frequent since school started.
So in an attempt to recover, I am going to let go of everything. I can't be like this anymore. While I am generally happy, I need to stop having these attacks. So from now on I am going to look after me before I look after other people. I can't be selfless forever... So here I'll go on another journey for me this time.
I have heard people tell me before that they are surprised when they hear about how sad I can be because they are so use to seeing me happy. Well I don't want anyone to think that I am pretending to be happy. I really am happy and I'm not just putting up a face. I try to find happiness where ever I go and I usually find it. I embrace my life and everyone in it and I appreciate everything about it. I love my life. But, I do have a hole in my heart. I live with it everyday.
My life is moving so fast and I keep myself so busy that I don't allow myself to fall down. I don't have the time to do so. I don't let my thoughts linger and I am okay. It's like I haven't been hurt at all. Then some days it randomly hits me. Yesterday was one of those days. I came home and went to my bed. I wasn't even tired anymore but, there I was. I couldn't even get out of my bed. The longer I was alone, I became more and more sad. So when my mom asked us if we wanted to go out to eat with her, I obviously said yes. I couldn't stand to be by myself any longer. I thought I would be fine but, I wasn't. While we were outside of the restaurant waiting to be seated, I was crying to myself. I couldn't escape it.
I distract myself so much that I don't allow myself to sit down and think. So when I have so much free time it is overwhelming. Whenever anything sad happens to me, I don't even think about it anymore. I dress up and I leave the house. I study a lot and draw. I do anything. Anything to get away from me. So when those days hit me, it's bad. They've actually been more frequent since school started.
So in an attempt to recover, I am going to let go of everything. I can't be like this anymore. While I am generally happy, I need to stop having these attacks. So from now on I am going to look after me before I look after other people. I can't be selfless forever... So here I'll go on another journey for me this time.
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