Change
This past year has been so full of change. I don't feel very different but, I know that I am different. Hell, I even dyed my hair purple even though I have said for a long time that I wouldn't ever dye my hair. I even put myself out there and I joined cross country and track although I always thought that was too hard to even try. I EVEN GOT A JOB THIS PAST WEEK. I am still afraid of everything I was afraid of before but, I won't let my fear of them prevent me from trying it. Every day is a struggle for me. I have to remind myself that I can't let my fears control me. I will keep running even when my mind tells me to stop. I will have my hair purple because I want to! I will answer phone calls at Papa Johns even though I am afraid of humiliating myself. I will get out of my comfort zone so that I can overcome myself. I am capable of anything, I just have to believe that I can. It's all mental. I will be myself and I will do everything that I want to accomplish. Maybe it isn't so much that I changed because, I am still the same Vanessa. I am just becoming who I always wanted to be. I was just too afraid to get out of comfort zone to be who I wanted to be.
I can't exactly pinpoint when I started to change. I guess you could say it went as far back as the beginning of my Junior year. I had decided that I had enough of being sad all of the time. I didn't like being sad so I wasn't going to be sad anymore. It was a long process and it wasn't easy. It was so easy to fall into the same depressing mentality. So easy. I don't even know why I allowed myself to be sad for so long to be honest because, I am generally a happy person. In fact, I don't think anyone really knew that I was sad. I know that difficult things happened to me but, I shouldn't have allowed myself to fall into depression like that. I was numb to everything for about 2 years!!! That is such a LOONG time!!! I do think that it was very stupid that I allowed it to happen but, I am thankful for that time too. For so long I only had myself. I wasn't always the best company. Although I hated myself, I loved myself enough to know I deserved to be happy. I taught myself how to love myself. I also learned that happiness could be found in any situation... you just have to chose to be happy.
Junior year had it's ups and downs but, it was better. I did change but, it wasn't very much. I was able to pick up the pieces of who I use to be and build onto it. I did join an architecture class and, I loved it. I loved everything about and I loved being apart of something I felt apart of. I also found the kind of friends I wanted all along because, I got out of comfort zone to reach out to them!
This year was different. I don't really know how to describe it. I think that maybe I could have been on brink of insanity but not really. I have been through so many difficult things this year more-so than the past 3 years. But, I didn't let them get to me... In fact, whenever I felt like crying I would put on makeup. I would stare into the mirror and tell myself that I was too pretty to cry lol. I know it's silly but, it worked on me. Sometimes I did let myself cry but, I would leave it at that. I wouldn't think about the situation that made me sad again. I would move on with my life like nothing had happened. I have kept myself too busy to even allow myself to think so negatively. Now if I even think about everything I had to go through this year, I'm sure I would cry. I would cry a lot. I know that which is why I won't let myself think about it. I'll just think about what I have to do next and about what I want to accomplish. It is so easy to fall into depression again, especially now, but I won't let myself. I will just hope that the worst is over and that I can finally make progress on what I want to accomplish with myself.
Right now, I am changing in full-swing. I can start over. Everything that needed to be broken was broken. Now that it is officially broken, I can only get better. Not only that but a HUGE chapter of my life is almost over. The public school education is basically all my life has ever been. My life has been rapidly changing non-stop but the one thing that always remained stable besides my family was school. Now, that part of my life will be over. I will still go to school but, it will be different, especially if I decide to live on campus. Lately, I have even been making more major decisions on my own. Usually, other people would decide for me but, now that's changing... All of these changes are so scary to me. I am so very afraid. I don't want to lose everything I worked for and I don't want to lose those that are important to me. Lately, it seems that all of my family members are off in different directions when we were once always together...
I can't exactly pinpoint when I started to change. I guess you could say it went as far back as the beginning of my Junior year. I had decided that I had enough of being sad all of the time. I didn't like being sad so I wasn't going to be sad anymore. It was a long process and it wasn't easy. It was so easy to fall into the same depressing mentality. So easy. I don't even know why I allowed myself to be sad for so long to be honest because, I am generally a happy person. In fact, I don't think anyone really knew that I was sad. I know that difficult things happened to me but, I shouldn't have allowed myself to fall into depression like that. I was numb to everything for about 2 years!!! That is such a LOONG time!!! I do think that it was very stupid that I allowed it to happen but, I am thankful for that time too. For so long I only had myself. I wasn't always the best company. Although I hated myself, I loved myself enough to know I deserved to be happy. I taught myself how to love myself. I also learned that happiness could be found in any situation... you just have to chose to be happy.
Junior year had it's ups and downs but, it was better. I did change but, it wasn't very much. I was able to pick up the pieces of who I use to be and build onto it. I did join an architecture class and, I loved it. I loved everything about and I loved being apart of something I felt apart of. I also found the kind of friends I wanted all along because, I got out of comfort zone to reach out to them!
This year was different. I don't really know how to describe it. I think that maybe I could have been on brink of insanity but not really. I have been through so many difficult things this year more-so than the past 3 years. But, I didn't let them get to me... In fact, whenever I felt like crying I would put on makeup. I would stare into the mirror and tell myself that I was too pretty to cry lol. I know it's silly but, it worked on me. Sometimes I did let myself cry but, I would leave it at that. I wouldn't think about the situation that made me sad again. I would move on with my life like nothing had happened. I have kept myself too busy to even allow myself to think so negatively. Now if I even think about everything I had to go through this year, I'm sure I would cry. I would cry a lot. I know that which is why I won't let myself think about it. I'll just think about what I have to do next and about what I want to accomplish. It is so easy to fall into depression again, especially now, but I won't let myself. I will just hope that the worst is over and that I can finally make progress on what I want to accomplish with myself.
Right now, I am changing in full-swing. I can start over. Everything that needed to be broken was broken. Now that it is officially broken, I can only get better. Not only that but a HUGE chapter of my life is almost over. The public school education is basically all my life has ever been. My life has been rapidly changing non-stop but the one thing that always remained stable besides my family was school. Now, that part of my life will be over. I will still go to school but, it will be different, especially if I decide to live on campus. Lately, I have even been making more major decisions on my own. Usually, other people would decide for me but, now that's changing... All of these changes are so scary to me. I am so very afraid. I don't want to lose everything I worked for and I don't want to lose those that are important to me. Lately, it seems that all of my family members are off in different directions when we were once always together...
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